


I'd Rather Hurt (Than Feel Nothing At All)

by Maximoff (britishatheart)



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, M/M, slightly Steve x Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 09:06:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishatheart/pseuds/Maximoff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the portal closed before Tony crossed it? How would Steve react to the loss of yet another significant other?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd Rather Hurt (Than Feel Nothing At All)

“Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They're just braver 5 minutes longer.”

Ronald Reagan

 

He watched as the bomb that was supposed to exterminate the Chiaturi that were taking over Manhattan hit the enormous alien spaceship.

  He watched in awe when a sudden blue light appeared, soon followed by the yellow ball of fire that put an end to that attack to his beloved planet.

  He watched, with tears in his eyes, as the outer space darkness embraced him.

  He watched, because that was all he could do.

  His suit had lost all of its power and had shut itself down. There was no Jarvis anymore. There was no Pepper.

  He couldn't even hear his fellow Avengers comrades since the earpiece they were using ceased functioning once he got out of Earth's space... At last, Tony Stark, the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, was all alone.

  He opened his eyes and breathed in slowly; there was only too much oxygen left in his suit and, well, even though he could be considered a hero by some, he still couldn't breathe out in the outer space.

  A single tear fell from his left eyes as one memory pried its way inside his mind. If the circumstances were different, he'd be laughing at it right now. But they weren't.

  Steve could almost hear the blonde man's voice, as if he was right there, by his side.

_"He seemed a good man," said Steve._

_Even though he wasn't looking directly at him, Tony could see he had leaned against the stair rail and had his arms crossed in front of his chest._

_A sarcastic chuckle escaped Tony's lips and he finally turned to face the man that had decided to bother him when he was seeking for solitude._

_"He was an idiot," he said defensively, as his eyes found Steve's blue ones._

_Despite of the bluntness of Tony's words and his overall attitude, Steve didn't react, he didn't even flinch. If anything, he just kept looking at him with his deep cerulean eyes, not showing any signs of disturbance._

_"Why?" he asked almost casually. "For believing?"_

_Believing. That was never Coulson's problem was it? No. Definitely not and Fury made that point very clearly._

_"For taking on Loki alone," Tony replied, letting go of the blunt attitude since it didn't seem to work with Captain America..._

_"He was doing his job," Steve argued back._

_"He was out of his league. Should've waited. He should've..."_

_It was only then that Steve moved and headed to where Tony was. There was something in his demeanors that didn't suggest he was trying to prove a point or anything... in fact, Tony thought that he had seen something in his eyes. Something different than that; it was as if Steve had suddenly let go of his Captain self and was just... well, Steve. Just a man, like any other._

_"Sometimes there is no way out, Tony."_

_There was this softness in his voice. There was calm in Steve’s voice that, even though Tony knew he had changed his tone on purpose, perhaps to show some sympathy or something, it annoyed him. Because no one ever talked to him like he was doing. It was as if Steve... it was as if he cared._

_"Right," Tony said, going back to his sarcastic mode. "I've heard that before," he added as he walked past Steve._

_Deep down, Tony knows he's being an idiot. He knows that Steve meant to do no harm -- that man inspired fear almost as much as a white, fluffy baby bunny --, but he just couldn't deal with that, not right now._

_"Is this the first time you've lost a soldier?"_

_Steve's question ignites something inside Tony; something that he wished never to be ignited, something that resembled rage._

_"We are_ **not** _soldiers," he replied angrily._

_Because they weren't._

_They weren't soldiers. Well, he wasn't. And Coulson wasn't. Steve was, and perhaps Thor was one as well, but that was about it. The majority of the remnants of that group of some sort that they formed were not soldiers._

_They were people. And, if there was anything that Tony knew about soldiers and wars, was that the ones that were most likely to get hurt were the people._

_He noticed that Steve was still staring at him, holding his gaze, not even blinking even though Tony was openly glaring at him._

_Tony let his guard down because he knew he was doing the wrong thing, which was lashing out on the wrong person._

_This wasn't Steve's fault._

  Steve...

  Tony can't help but hold back a small smile at the thought of the annoying blonde man who wears a spangly outfit and calls himself Captain America. There was something about Steve that drove him mad, but also made him feel alive whenever he was near him.

  "I guess all good things come to an end," Tony thought to himself as he inhaled once more.

  It was getting harder to breathe.

  "Hey, Capsicle," he whispered. "Remember what I told you about Coulson?" As it was expected, there was no answer in response. Tony closed his eyes and yet another tear escaped from beneath his eyelids. "Guess who the idiot is now..."

  He took a deep breath... then everything was darkness.

#

Steve let his feet take him wherever they wanted to.

  It's been about a week ever since the Avengers assembled to fight an extraterrestrial threat.

  The results of said conflict could still be seen all over Manhattan; there were piles of debris from the buildings that were hit during the fight with the Chitauri, the streets were also in bad shape, but everything was being restored.

  It would take a while, but people would find a way to get their lives back on the track, back to their normal routines, back to how it was before that fatidic day...

  Well, not everyone.

  Steve didn't think he'd be able to overcome the pain and grieving that had closed their cold hands around his heart and soul.

  At times, he almost felt as if he'd like better if he was once again "sleeping".

  He gave the order for Natasha to close the portal. It was his word, and that was on him. Tony's death was on him.

  Steve felt his heart tightening in his chest.

_"The only thing you fight for is yourself."_

  Once again, his words returned to haunt him. They've been constantly haunting Steve's thoughts, every day and every night... How could he do that? How could he say such cruel things to Tony?

  If he could go back in time, there were a handful of things he would change if he could... but the number one of the list was definitely to take back everything he said to Tony that day.

  Because everything was lies. Steve's words were actually just his bitterness speaking out loud. He didn't mean any of that...

_"You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you."_

  _No,_ Steve thought to himself. _He wouldn't do that... He'd do more than just that. He'd be the guy who would carry his companion in his arms, all the way back to base if he had to..._

  How could he have said that? Tony, who did so much for so many people?

  Steve shut his eyes closed and inhaled deeply. Well, Dr. Erskine should be _so proud_ of him as of right now... So much for the good guy, and he ended up making accusations out of the bitterness of his heart.

  But that wasn't the worst. No. He had done way worse than that.

_"You may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero."_

  If there was anyone out of the Avengers who deserved to be called a hero, it would be Tony Stark. Not only because he wasn't there anymore; because even if he was there, he should be the one bearing the title of "hero".

  Because he could be arrogant, volatile, self-obsessed, and don't play well with others, but he was also interested, honest, caring. With Tony, what you saw was what you got. Except for when he was Iron Man, he didn't hide behind masks; he didn't have to.

  Tony Stark was a "noir hero". He could have this image of someone who was all about image and reputation, but he would end up doing what he had to do and he'd do what was right for everyone, not just himself. The bigger proof of such thing: he gave his life so that others could live.

.

Steve kept his head down. The weight of all the feelings he was bearing was too much.

  Even though he knew it was useless now and it wouldn't change anything, he couldn't help but wonder: What if I had waited just a little longer? What if I waited just five more seconds to give Natasha the order to shut the portal? What if...

  There were too many what if's that would forever remain unanswered... But, there was nothing Steve could do now. There was nothing that anyone could do now.

  So, he just kept walking and walking and, for the first time in days, he ended up in a different place.

  Up until today, he'd been avoiding that place at all costs. He had been there just once and that was only because he needed to.

  Steve took a deep breath and, with his hands buried inside his jacket’s pocket, he walked through the path made of concrete that led him to the place he, unconsciously, wanted to be.

  The blonde man raised his head and let his eyes wander through the place.

  It was quiet there. Too quiet for his liking, but then again, it wasn’t as if he was expecting a party or anything… Obviously not. It’s just the silence made things even harder than they already were.

  Steve’s eyes finally found the rectangular piece of cold marble and, all of a sudden, it was hard to breathe. He swallowed hard and had to blink a few times -- his vision was getting blurry. He inhaled deeply, forcing the air into his lungs and he could feel his chest ache from the turmoil he was struggling to hold inside.

  It's been about five days since he was there, for Tony's memorial service. In all honesty, Steve hadn't been prepared for that.

  He wasn't ready for the sea of people dressed in black. He wasn't ready for the deep hole in the ground. He wasn't ready for the empty casket... Steve was not ready to let Tony go.

  He refused to accept the fact that Tony Stark, the man who was a constant pain in his ass, would never again push his buttons. He didn't want to accept that, once again, he was part of something that changed people's life, but at such high cost...

  After a moment, Steve kneeled to the ground, next to where the tombstone made out of white marble was placed. He let his fingers brush against the cold stone, his fingertips just barely touching the black letters that spelled Iron Man's real name. Anthony Stark.

  A lump formed in Steve's throat and he felt as if there was a void within him, like someone had dug a hole in his chest, right where his heart was supposed to be...

  "The thing about wars," Steve whispered to himself through teeth as his fingers just lingered above the highly polished, icy cold stone. "Is that, no one really wins; everybody loses..."

  He bit on his lip. Steve knew Tony's body wasn't there, but still... Being in that cemetery was just too painful. Seeing his memorial grave was brutal. The other days, Steve could fool himself into thinking that, perhaps Tony was okay, as if he was just traveling --in the outer space-- and, one day, he was just going to come back, with his annoying smirk on his face and some stupid, not funny joke about how they were foolish enough to believe he wouldn't return as the phoenix that he is. But, being there made everything real. Steve couldn't pretend that Tony was still alive somewhere. He had to accept that Tony, the Iron Man, was just that -- a man.

  Steve shook his head softly and one tear fell from his eye, landing right next to the K of Stark.

  "I was wrong," he said. "What I said about you that day in the hellicarrier... I was wrong."

  Steve fell silent for a moment. Deep down, he expected to hear Tony's voice; he was actually hoping to hear the man's chuckle and whatever cocky words that he'd come up with, drenched with his sarcasm and self-confidence. Not so deep down, Steve wanted Tony back.

  He shut his eyes closed and waited. He waited for something that wouldn't happen. Not now. Not ever.

  Steve clenched his jaw and placed his hand flat open on the stone; he needed something to hold on to, something that he could lean on because he was falling apart. And yet again, the one thing that supported him was Tony. The memory of him what would never disappear, never fade.

  Steve opened his eyes and all he could see was a blur. Tears were falling from his eyes and he couldn't hold them back -- he didn't want to.

  "You are a hero, Stark," he whispered; his voice shaky and uneven. He ran his fingers through the letters once more. "You are a true hero..."

.

  After that day, Steve returned to Tony's grave more often. Because, if there was something that he learned with all the losses he suffered, was that he'd rather hurt, instead of feel nothing.

  Because Tony Stark didn't deserve _nothing_. He deserved everything, and Steve would honor his memory, even if it meant picking on open wounds, not allowing it to heal.

 

“I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry about this depressive story, but I wrote this at one in the morning and I wasn't feeling exactly happy when I decided to write this.  
> But, albeit tragic and not happy at all, I was pleased with the result and decided to post it anyway.


End file.
